Monday, June 11, 2007

Pirates of the Caribbean - The Story Without End

I don't know where to start. It was looooooonnnnnggggggg. Some of it was boooorrrrrinnnngggggg. Some was witty and clever. There was a little fun.

Dunno, it moved you through the story without too much trouble. I could watch Davy Jones all day long-a -- He's the most fascinating visual and vocal character I've ever seen, even if I don't care about him.

And that is the problem with Pirates, I think. Jack, Barbosa, Jones, and Elizabeth are interesting characters. Turner is a bore, and the pirates are a bit fun... but despite all the amazing effects, convoluted story, dashing swordplay, and stage dirt... who cares? I mean, it wasn't a secret to anyone that the unspeakably dull Turner was going to get killed and helm the Flying Dutchman, and he was - did I mention? - unspeakably boring, so he gets a sword run through him. Ho hum. Ho hum, a pirates sleep for me... who cares? (Personally, I think it would have been far more interesting if Miss Swan got the deep six and helmed the Flying Dutchess, but that's just me).

They were fun to watch when it wasn't being gross, but engaging? No. The first Pirates I went right out and purchased on DVD as soon as possible. The second one I wanted the theater to give me my money back (no DVD, no wasting of two hours to borrow it and watch it again). This one, I don't need my money back, but I won't buy the DVD, and if there's a fourth, I'll see it in the cheap theater if it all.

My rules of pirate movies:
1. They must have fun! Otherwise, they're filthy, immoral, thieving murders. If they don't enjoy their own evil, why should I?
2. There must be pathos, dilemma, and an emotional crisis at stake (else no one and nothing to care about).
3. SOMEONE SHOULD OWN A TOOTHBRUSH! All these strong, healthy teeth with shoe black all over them was a bit much. Rotten teeth, okay, but just dirty teeth? Yuck.
4. Clashing swords is fine and dandy, but make it a contest of skill, not just hack and slash.

That's it. Thanks, and have a Ho Ho Day.


malissa said...

What happened Rob? No one wants to comment on this one. I saw the movie and liked it, but I don't watch the movie from the critics point of view. I just watch them for the entertainment factor. Although, I did like the first one the best, but rarely are the sequals (sp?) as good as the original. Josie, care to comment?

Erik said...

"Ho Hum, Ho Hum, a pirates sleep for me."

THAT! was funny.

beks said...

wow. I don't know why I read that, I haven't seen the movie. didn't think you'd give it away. haha, can't say I'm sorry poor ol' willy dies, tho.

Rob said...

Whoops. Sorry, forgot to put a spoiler warning.

damaris said...

yeah that's kinda important. i already decided not to see it in theatres but i did plan on seeing it someday...

alas. it wasn't that big.

patrick said...

The first Pirates of the Caribbean was great in every way, the best part of the other two was the special effects... the question now is, if they come out with a fourth, will it maintain the quality of the first?