Pirates of the Caribbean - The Story Without End

I don't know where to start. It was looooooonnnnnggggggg. Some of it was boooorrrrrinnnngggggg. Some was witty and clever. There was a little fun.

Dunno, it moved you through the story without too much trouble. I could watch Davy Jones all day long-a -- He's the most fascinating visual and vocal character I've ever seen, even if I don't care about him.

And that is the problem with Pirates, I think. Jack, Barbosa, Jones, and Elizabeth are interesting characters. Turner is a bore, and the pirates are a bit fun... but despite all the amazing effects, convoluted story, dashing swordplay, and stage dirt... who cares? I mean, it wasn't a secret to anyone that the unspeakably dull Turner was going to get killed and helm the Flying Dutchman, and he was - did I mention? - unspeakably boring, so he gets a sword run through him. Ho hum. Ho hum, a pirates sleep for me... who cares? (Personally, I think it would have been far more interesting if Miss Swan got the deep six and helmed the Flying Dutchess, but that's just me).

They were fun to watch when it wasn't being gross, but engaging? No. The first Pirates I went right out and purchased on DVD as soon as possible. The second one I wanted the theater to give me my money back (no DVD, no wasting of two hours to borrow it and watch it again). This one, I don't need my money back, but I won't buy the DVD, and if there's a fourth, I'll see it in the cheap theater if it all.

My rules of pirate movies:
1. They must have fun! Otherwise, they're filthy, immoral, thieving murders. If they don't enjoy their own evil, why should I?
2. There must be pathos, dilemma, and an emotional crisis at stake (else no one and nothing to care about).
3. SOMEONE SHOULD OWN A TOOTHBRUSH! All these strong, healthy teeth with shoe black all over them was a bit much. Rotten teeth, okay, but just dirty teeth? Yuck.
4. Clashing swords is fine and dandy, but make it a contest of skill, not just hack and slash.

That's it. Thanks, and have a Ho Ho Day.